Bringing Balance to Relationships: “Detaching from Difficult Personalities”* and Still Letting People Know (Kindly) Where We Stand.

Clear communication is so important in effective relationship building.  Sometimes people need to know where we stand.  At other times, we need to let go of difficult personalities.

Sometimes we need to detach emotionally with difficult situations.  Detaching from outcomes and lowering our expectations of others helps reduce our dependency on them.  On the other hand, detachment shouldn’t be an excuse for avoiding an opportunity to improve our world.

Some DA members who own their own businesses decide to join  BDA (Business Debtors Anonymous), a separate but related program to DA.  BDA members practice  “detaching from difficult personalities” to improve the health of their business.

* BDA Tool #10: “We detach from difficult personalities and poor paying clients and put principles before personalities.”

We can all benefit from detaching emotionally from the “trolls” of business and of life in general – those chronic complainers, for example – and focusing that energy we would expend instead on our remaining customers and friends.  Doing so gives us new perspective to  intelligently respond to situations that “used to baffle us”.

For those DA members who don’t own their own business, it’s also important to use prudence and care with bosses, clients , constituents.  After all, taking too much time away from work without explanation can lead to unemployment!

So there is a necessary balance between detachment and engagement in every relationship – personal or business – and we take care not to overdo detachment or engagement.  We wouldn’t want to disengage from life entirely, and hide ourselves with our gold like Scrooge in his counting house, or smother those closest to us!

To our creditors, we can choose to elaborate on where we are coming from as recovering debtors by telling them of our DA Recovery.  Or we can ask our employer to adjust our schedule in order to take a communication class that will help us with our work.

Eventually we “intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us”.  People around us who need to know where they stand in our lives will then know why we changed our plans – for example to take care of an ill relative instead of keeping that appointment for racquetball.  The clarity and perspective we get are worth taking the time to be considerate of others in “all of our affairs”.

Have I found the right balance of privacy and inclusion in my life? Beginning with my D.A. Group, do I know when to safely trust other people and not always go it alone? Do I have a healthy boundary, and do I know when to cross that boundary if necessary?

Meditation for Today:

Lone wolves, separated from other wolves, are less likely to connect with a new pack, and will eventually starve. Am I a “Lone Wolf”, close-minded, suspicious and hidden in all my affairs, unable to find warmth? The opposite of that would be what – ______? (Fill in the blank.)

Affirmation for Today:

I am a social being. I am cultivating friendships. I know who not to trust, and who is trustworthy. Most of all, I trust myself to act in my own best interest. Together we build a network of trust.

Prayer for Today:

Dear Higher Power, you are the “Divine Communicator” who can interpret me to others. Help me know when to hold my words and when to let go and ask for help.

 Further Reading:

How to Get Out of Debt, Stay Out of Debt, and Live Prosperously*: Based on the Proven Principles and Techniques of Debtors Anonymous… This is a Bantam book based on the concepts of Debtors Anonymous.  Many have benefited from this version of the book, updated in 2012.  Jerrold’s knowledge of overcoming compulsive debting is firsthand, and it will help you to increase your income and reverse patterns of under earning and overspending, no matter how entrenched those patterns are.

Also: DA Tool Eight encourages us to read AA literature, and a great place to start is with the AA Big Book “Alcoholics Anonymous”.  It explains the Twelve Steps like no other book, is filled with dozens of hopeful stories of recovery.

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