Detaching From Difficult Personalities Leads to Peace

We can be ourselves, speak freely when we need, and enjoy life again.

Thought for today:

Compulsive debtors usually take more than their share of abuse from others.  By the time they get to DA, they’ve felt humiliation and shame over someone else’s behavior.

Many of us even go further into debt to appease an abusive family member.  We deny they are hurting us.  We want to believe their motives are pure.

We need some tool that enables us to carry on.  How can we deal with such problem people?

BDA Tool 10:

We detach from difficult personalities and poor paying clients and put principles before personalities.

Members share:

“My adult child would sleep all day and didn’t work, go to school or drive a car.  They blamed me for all their problems too.

“I knew I wasn’t doing them any favors by letting them stay in my home any more.  I needed to work out a solution, but how can you stop caring for you child?

“I went to my office with a feeling of shame for being such an inadequate parent.  How could I have gotten into this mess?

My low self-esteem was such a distraction at the office that I was putting up with abusive customers who routinely withheld payment.  All I wanted was to make everyone happy, but that wasn’t happening.  I was just becoming more miserable and anxious.

“Detachment was the key.  I learned in the fellowship that I could detach emotionally from the abusive people in my life.  I could put the principles of self-worth ahead of appeasement and guilt.

“I had a calm conversation with my child, and stood my ground.  They were out in a week.  The customers began to see my resolve too, in my emails and conversations.  Some left my company, but most of them paid their debts.

“Taking the emotions out of the equations, I began to resolve to stay strong.  That was my responsibility to my company and to myself.”

The loving thing to do:

It is better for everyone not to entertain abusive behavior from anyone.  If we cannot speak freely and be listened to, which are basic dignities, we need to ask ourselves if the relationship is working, and be willing to make changes.

Small adjustments in attitude make for big payoffs.  We will probably never get in trouble for not overreacting.


“Am I detaching from difficult personalities?  Am I afraid to speak my mind?”

Meditation for today:

Throughout history, human beings have always rebuilt anew after disasters.  There is nothing that can keep the human spirit down for long.  This is our nature, to be open to the wonder of the universe.  It is only when people un-learn this natural wonder and instead destroy that things get undone.  We can always look above and beyond such things, and focus on eternal truths.

Affirmation for today:

“Today I will resolve to let go of anyone who is hurtful.  I will make a plan for my relationship with such people.”

Recommended reading: 

DA’s Eighth Tool is D.A. and A.A. Literature: “We study the literature of Debtors Anonymous and of Alcoholics Anonymous to strengthen our understanding of compulsive disease and of recovery from compulsive debting.”

The Best Of Bill

Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

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