One member talks about going through a humiliating bankruptcy. Being cross-examined by attorneys in the judges chambers, she became upset, began to cry, and got angry. She felt cornered and ashamed.  Years of panic bubbled up into her automatic fight-or-flight responses.  Nothing seemed to work this time.

“Having my own business, I had gone through three debt consolidations before, but the bank’s data now showed that I was on a steep decline and ‘not creditworthy’.  DIscovering this was a horrible blow.

“I had crossed a line, and the outside world was closing in on her.  Abandoned by my spouse, I turned to sedatives and alcohol just to sleep, and I eventually became isolated from any meaningful adult relationships.

“Those closest to me suffered.  I worked around the clock, often leaving the kids to fend for themselves. Strangely, they did better without me at home. My six-year-old became a substitute parent for her three-year-old sister.

“At the end of my rope, business overextended, seasonal income drying up, debts left unpaid, I came home exhausted every night, unable to think straight, until one night I was desperate for escape and self-medicating wasn’t working any more.

“It was at this point that I walked into the rooms of Debtors Anonymous.  It wasn’t easy.  People there talked about their debts openly, and how (miraculously) their creditors were not the center of their lives.

“Even so, later, I looked up into the night sky, and had to ask myself (or the universe, I’m not sure which) ‘Isn’t there any other way?’

“I continued fighting the program for another six months, but gradually I became honest with myself, getting clear on what was healthy for me and what wasn’t .  I worked all the suggested tools and steps, and began experiencing the Promises DA talks about.

Today I am aware that I am probably different from others when it comes to debt.  I accept that in this one area I am not like ‘normal’ people: I have an ‘allergy’ to unsecured debt.

“I can’t remember  why the shame of seeking help in a 12 step program was more painful than dodging creditors, robbing Peter to pay Paul, working crazy hours to feed the beast of our debt, arguing with creditors, landlords, family, and lawyers.  Why was I in so much denial for so long?

“It’s certainly much better since I stopped doing it my way, and started doing it DA’s way.  My home life is better than it has been in years.

“I just hope I never forget where I came from.”

Meditation for Today:

The word “epiphany”, in the non-religious sense, means an “enlightening realization allows a problem or situation to be understood from a new and deeper perspective”.*  When I deny my emotions, they come out sideways on loved ones, and pain ripples into my world. When I become aware that I am imperfect, I can accept that I need help, and take action.

Affirmations for Today:

Today I will talk with at least one other compulsive debtor who knows what I am going through.  Together, we will discover the next action I can take to feed my soul.

Prayer for Today:

At this moment, I am at a crossroads. I’ve been at other crossroads in my life, but this one feels particularly tough.  Help me see clearly and follow the path of recovery.  Help me to share my disease and deepen my recovery in D.A., to multiply peace and prosperity throughout the world.

Recommended Reading…

Sometimes AA literature helps us understand the addictive nature best.  That is why one of the DA tools includes AA literature.  A great place to start is by reading the AA Big Book “Alcoholics Anonymous”, which explains the addictive mindset like no other book, and is filled with hopeful stories of recovery.  It is a must-read for anyone in Twelve Step recovery.

(By clicking the link above you will be brought to Amazon.com, where you can buy this book.  Using the link in no way increases your costs..  Using the link helps us defray the costs of running this website, as Amazon gives us a commission.)

*Wikipedia has a good explanation of the sense of Epiphany as it is used in this blog post: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epiphany_(feeling)

By clicking the above link you will be brought to Wikipedia.